The last few weeks have been tough going for me, to a point where I didn’t recognise the person that stared back at me in the mirror each day. It all came to a head last weekend where I decided I needed a break from everything. Yes running away and expecting to take my head and thoughts with me (which is what usually happens), but I had to go.
People do ask about me going away on my own. I suppose I’ve got used to my own company and appreciate the quite times. I’ve been alone for a few years now, after my bad experiences I do find it hard to let people in and get to know me. I’ve been hurt too much and that barrier is there and I don’t see it coming down pretty soon either. So going away without my friends, it may sound weird, but I don’t have to be anyone I’m not.
Imagine being invited to a friends house to stay over night. There’s some anxieties of not waking up at a reasonable hour, or the fear of knowing you talk in your sleep and you say something bad. You know you’re not a conversation starter, or quick at thinking of decent replies to things, so fear awkward silences or saying the wrong thing. Then take those feelings and make the anxiety so bad the thought of even leaving the flat makes you physically sick and you want to run away and hide. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and love their company. But when anxiety takes hold, it grabs on so tight and won’t let you go.
So I ended up at my usual escape spot, Cardiff. I don’t know what it is about Cardiff, but I just feel I can slip in and out without being spotted or judged and can do what my inner child wants to do. I noticed this time that people sit out on Cardiff Bay with a coffee and read a book, and it’s socially acceptable to do that. People exercising, running, cycling and keeping fit in various way without anyone stopping them, even giving way in a steady stream of human traffic without giving what they’re doing a second thought.
The first thing I did when I got there was go to the cinema. Yes it’s something I can do at home, but it was a treat and it really did set the rest of the holiday up for good strong happy feelings. Then it was off to the Bay, walking around to the barrage and seeing the view from a different angle. Watching boats come in and out the barrage with the sunset brightening the skies behind. The streams of purple between the clouds were like someone or something was reaching down and shining light over the bay. I got lost looking out to sea, noticing the infinite feel of sea and sky meeting and no other land in between.
There was a lot of walking along beaches, to the point I didn’t actually know where I was any more. Ok, I know where I’d walked from but I didn’t know where I walked to, as in the name of the town I had reached. But it didn’t matter because I was free from the problems at home and I was with nature, sights and sounds that make you stop and notice the beauty around you. I tell you one thing though, when seagulls are flying in the sky they look the same size as a pigeon. To my amazement, they’re massive. Though that could be due to the amount of fish and chips they eat.
It was a break that was really needed, though I wish I could have stayed at least one more night. Just to be able to continue being in my own little world and not having to face reality again, not yet. There is still so much going on that I have to deal with right now and so little time to do it. I place fixed times on getting things done, like certain activities right now need to be mopped up by the start of uni in two weeks. Though its good to have deadlines, they can’t always be met which causes me upset.
I’m back though, and I can make a change and use this new found energy to get ready for the next challenge… year two of med school.