I woke up this morning and I really did smell the coffee. It turns out I’m depressed.
Though what annoys me more that being depressed is that I didn’t spot the warning signs, even though they are the same every time. I can look around me now as I write this and say, “the flat is a bomb site, why? Because I am depressed” “the restlessness and not being able to sit still, because I am depressed” and so on and so on. These two things may seem like little things that could be anything to a person without depression, but to me when put together they mean something bad is about to happen.
My thoughts have been irrational, and when asked why I done something I really can’t answer why. I can’t explain myself. Though when I carried out those actions I meant everything I done, at the time.
Everything that needs to be done seems so much like a chore, like sitting and reading a newspaper or book. In my head it is too much hard work to get up, find the book, sit back down and read. The reading part is not the chore, it’s the getting to it that’s the problem. Then the sitting down hurts, I need to get up and about. Though it hurts and my head is telling me not to bother.
Sitting over analysing why someone my not be talking to me; do they not like me, have I done something to upset them, this is the end of our friendship for sure. It never gets in to my head that maybe they don’t have anything to talk about or they are busy doing other things. It is all about why they are not talking to me.
Though the strangest of all, I get my sense of smell back. I never knew that it had gone anywhere so when all of a sudden I can smell the freshly brewed coffee, and how nice does that smell, I know that something has or is just about to happen.
The sign that this strange thing that has come over me is about to end is when I cry. I cry for no reason. I cry to let out whatever demons seem to have taken over me. I cry until I can’t cry anymore.
Every time this phenomena comes over me and I realise what has just happened I promise, I vow, to myself that I will spot the warning signs next time. I never do. I notice that I’m restless or not motivated in the littlest things, but I never put two and two together.
This gets me wondering, am I the only one like this? Surely not. I want to explore how people recognise their warning signs and what they do to protect themselves, or even try to stop the inevitable.
Please share with me how you spot yours, I would love to learn how to spot mine. Maybe others will value your advice too.