I woke up this morning and I really did smell the coffee. It turns out I’m depressed.
Though what annoys me more that being depressed is that I didn’t spot the warning signs, even though they are the same every time. I can look around me now as I write this and say, “the flat is a bomb site, why? Because I am depressed” “the restlessness and not being able to sit still, because I am depressed” and so on and so on. These two things may seem like little things that could be anything to a person without depression, but to me when put together they mean something bad is about to happen.
My thoughts have been irrational, and when asked why I done something I really can’t answer why. I can’t explain myself. Though when I carried out those actions I meant everything I done, at the time.
Everything that needs to be done seems so much like a chore, like sitting and reading a newspaper or book. In my head it is too much hard work to get up, find the book, sit back down and read. The reading part is not the chore, it’s the getting to it that’s the problem. Then the sitting down hurts, I need to get up and about. Though it hurts and my head is telling me not to bother.
Sitting over analysing why someone my not be talking to me; do they not like me, have I done something to upset them, this is the end of our friendship for sure. It never gets in to my head that maybe they don’t have anything to talk about or they are busy doing other things. It is all about why they are not talking to me.
Though the strangest of all, I get my sense of smell back. I never knew that it had gone anywhere so when all of a sudden I can smell the freshly brewed coffee, and how nice does that smell, I know that something has or is just about to happen.
The sign that this strange thing that has come over me is about to end is when I cry. I cry for no reason. I cry to let out whatever demons seem to have taken over me. I cry until I can’t cry anymore.
Every time this phenomena comes over me and I realise what has just happened I promise, I vow, to myself that I will spot the warning signs next time. I never do. I notice that I’m restless or not motivated in the littlest things, but I never put two and two together.
This gets me wondering, am I the only one like this? Surely not. I want to explore how people recognise their warning signs and what they do to protect themselves, or even try to stop the inevitable.
Please share with me how you spot yours, I would love to learn how to spot mine. Maybe others will value your advice too.
Tracey I really empathised with you here. I recently found an old journal I’d written around and including the time I was depressed last. My ‘aha’ moment was realising I was feeling better in the evening – diurnal variation! Duh! But no so duh at the time.
You ask about acting on warnng signs. I guess I’d say that crucial, is catching it early. And that means being kind to yourself, and acknowledging that things are happening that, FOR YOU mean you need to act. Self-care rather than self neglect or self punishment (I shouldn’t be feeling this way, I shouldn’t have to be so careful others don’t have to be etc etc)
Then you need to have already worked out what works for you. What you can do for yourself, what others can help you with. Againm this means caring for yourself when things are going well – ie paying attention to what helps you, and making time for it, or writing it down so you don’t forget when you’re low.
And then you need to do it, without expecting it to feel great, or even that good sometimes, because when you’re depressed, it just doesn’t does it, but that has to be acknowledged as ok. Because enjoyment will return.
Great post and I’m looking forwards to others’ replies.
Thank you so much. As you said you need to find what works for you when you’re well and not just when you’re unwell. Which I think is my problem, I feel well so don’t need the self care.
I have been meaning to start mindfulness again, it’s the getting around to it thing. I will take time out to start this practice and get it embedded for my down times.
Thanks for your reply and I do hope that other people share their warning signs too. I can be empowering to be able to recognise them and to share with others.
For me it can be dreams. As you say you can often cry and cry… but for me that happens in my dreams. I wake up and feel like i’ve been crying for hours and nobody cares. It’s my subconscious telling me what is wrong.
Obsessing over worries that i know are irrational, and events that will be ok when they actually come.
Avoiding phone calls or requests from friends. I’ve got much better at that, and when i feel that happening, i force myself to respond or do what feels uncomfortable.
However the biggest impact and signs for me are at work. I disengage with people. Let important work wait until the last minute. My desk starts to become messy. i avoid tea breaks and lunch with colleagues. I start to eat junk food at lunch when i would prefer something healthy.
But like you, all of these signs are usually too late.
Oh that is everything that I feel, though I too recognise them too late. Maybe write a little list of the warning signs and when you spot one you could read through to see if there are anymore. My untidiness is the first thing to spot but don’t see everything else. I hope that you do find a way of dealing with these negatives and turn them into something that you can work on. Big hugs x
Hi. I recently failed to recognise the signs and relapsed at the end of last year. I kicked myself for not spotting the signs – I’m a mental health Peer worker, after all! One of the most important ways ofpreventing and managing relapse is to draw up a Wellness Recovery Action Plan (W.R.A.P.) do you know about this? Mary Ellen Copeland is the guru of this. Since I have got back on my feet I have been working on my Plan. If you don’t already know about Mary she is great. Google her and W.R.A.P. It’s a good tool that can help. I’ve got a few days off work now, so I really should crack on and finish mine….
My biggest thing is not wanting to communicate with people – not just in person, but online, by text, by phone… It’s just too much of an effort to think of words, to follow a conversation, to react and act in the way I’m meant to. I just want to be alone – in fact, most of the time I just want to be unconscious, because even thinking can be too much sometimes…!
And yes, the state of my flat – I live alone, for the first time ever, and I love it, but it also means I can let tasks go undone. So when the sink is piled with dishes, my bed is unmade, the fridge is empty and I’ve run out of loo roll – yep, I’m depressed.
I’m lucky enough to have amazing friends who all say to call when I’m feeling down or when I feel triggered to SI, but unfortunately those are the exact, specific times where I feel unable to communicate or relate to anyone. It’s hard to explain to people, but they do their best to understand. I am very lucky
I don’t know what I would do without my amazing friends! And my old doctor (sadly moved last year and had to get a new one) – I was with her for 8 years, all the way from being an utter mess in my early 20s, through Uni, through my first job, always supporting and encouraging me, never giving up on me (even when I did!). She kept me out of hospital, into work and there’s no way I’d still be here without the help she gave me. You always hear so many negative things about GPs who don’t care, or who don’t know what to do, but she was amazing. So if anyone doesn’t like the way their doctor is treating them, try another one
My GP works with the residents from my place of work (due to location) and I hear so many bad things about him. Though I have had nothing but great support from mine. He recognises that I know what I want and how to go about it, he supports me in all these decisions.
Luckily last year I went to my GP and asked to come off my medication and he told me straight that I was manic and he won’t allow me to. I fell into depression a matter of weeks later.
I do hope that everyone can find a GP that helps them and works with them when they really need the help. Well done on finding yours, and I wish you well in finding another who’s just as good since your move.
My biggest warning sign is loss of appetite. I’m normally a foodie so when I lose interest I find time to ask myself why.
Definitely agree that self-care is just as important when you’re well. I make a conscious effort on a daily basis to remind myself how well I’m doing, how much I’m achieving and that I deserve to be happy. Over time it becomes more of a habit and I have to think about it less. Tell yourself often enough that you’re wonderful & you might just start to believe it.
I think also letting myself cry helps. If something starts to bother me I don’t bury the emotions – I accept them and feel them. The quicker I deal with them the better. Otherwise they begin to fester and it all bubbles up at once.
Above all, I’m kind to myself. I take some time out for at least a few hours every week to watch my favourite TV shows, paint my nails or read a book. Time on my own being kind to me really helps.
Self care is an important aspect of mental health and depression, though so many people forget to do it.
I’ve started a memory jar, filling it with all good things. The original idea was to look at it at the end of the year, though I wonder if it would be more beneficial to look at it and remind myself of the good times when I do feel bad.
Crying is a strange thing, you feel you shouldn’t and hold back. Though the emotions and tension that are released after do help so much.
Well done on giving yourself ‘me time’. Keep it up
I find that when I’m *really* depressed, I can’t cry. I feel terribly low, worthless, empty and like I want to cry, but nothing comes out. It’s very odd (and can be quite distressing sometimes!!)
Spot on. I find when I am at my lowest, my irritability is so high that I lash out at the slightest thing. My family and friends understand, they know when I go in to one I dont mean it, but I do mean it at the time. I struggle to sleep, which doesn’t help, and I cant even focus on doing anything constructive or relaxing whilst I lay awake, because I really cant be bothered. A way that I deal with my low moods and irrational thoughts is quite simple though, I write them in to hip hop songs, record them, and listen to it. Not only is it a sense of achievement, it also lets me listen to my ‘problems’ and take an outsiders viewpoint on it, nine times out of ten I feel a bit better. It has been a long time since I was first diagnosed with depression amongst a couple other things, and yesterday I was discharged from being an outpatient back to the care of my GP, mostly because I have my way of dealing with things. I hope everybody finds that little trick that works for them, everybody deserves to feel happy, just sometimes it’s not that easy.
Well done on finding your outlet for your negative emotions. That is very creative and glad it works for you. Have you ever thought about sharing them for others to hear? Or are they personal to you? Big hugs x
i also really believe in the saying that it is easier to build up a child than repairing an adult. i’ve lived with depression my whole life and it’s no picnic. for a parent dealing with depression it’s important to make sure your kids aren’t affected negatively by it. i was raised in an abusive home my whole life by a mentally unstable mother and for a short time a schizophrenic father. some traumas never go away. i felt it was ok for me to talk about my past to my kids since they are in a stable home with me. not all abused kids grow up to be abusive parents. guess i was smart enough to know how to not treat my kids. i never wanted my kids to go through what i did. it was horrible. i think it made me a better parent. it’s also hard for me to snap out of my funk sometimes because of chronic pain issues but i have to keep going my kids are counting on me.
So glad you were able to break that cycle, for the sake of your children.
I too came from an abusive childhood and unfortunately it has worried me about having children of my own. I don’t want to pass on my mental illness to them. I’m still undecided about the nature nurture thing.
Well done for giving them a stable future, and they can also be educated about mental illness at a young age. Which is something that all schools, I believe, should be doing.
January 9, 2013 at 12:18 pm
Tracey I really empathised with you here. I recently found an old journal I’d written around and including the time I was depressed last. My ‘aha’ moment was realising I was feeling better in the evening – diurnal variation! Duh! But no so duh at the time.
You ask about acting on warnng signs. I guess I’d say that crucial, is catching it early. And that means being kind to yourself, and acknowledging that things are happening that, FOR YOU mean you need to act. Self-care rather than self neglect or self punishment (I shouldn’t be feeling this way, I shouldn’t have to be so careful others don’t have to be etc etc)
Then you need to have already worked out what works for you. What you can do for yourself, what others can help you with. Againm this means caring for yourself when things are going well – ie paying attention to what helps you, and making time for it, or writing it down so you don’t forget when you’re low.
And then you need to do it, without expecting it to feel great, or even that good sometimes, because when you’re depressed, it just doesn’t does it, but that has to be acknowledged as ok. Because enjoyment will return.
Great post and I’m looking forwards to others’ replies.
January 9, 2013 at 12:24 pm
Thank you so much. As you said you need to find what works for you when you’re well and not just when you’re unwell. Which I think is my problem, I feel well so don’t need the self care.
I have been meaning to start mindfulness again, it’s the getting around to it thing. I will take time out to start this practice and get it embedded for my down times.
Thanks for your reply and I do hope that other people share their warning signs too. I can be empowering to be able to recognise them and to share with others.
Big hugs x
January 9, 2013 at 1:27 pm
I hope you don’t mind my posting this here but it kind of speaks to your point – I learned the hard way, but it does help! http://otherplanscoaching.com/2012/four-ways-to-boost-motivation-when-youre-depressed/
January 9, 2013 at 12:32 pm
For me it can be dreams. As you say you can often cry and cry… but for me that happens in my dreams. I wake up and feel like i’ve been crying for hours and nobody cares. It’s my subconscious telling me what is wrong.
Obsessing over worries that i know are irrational, and events that will be ok when they actually come.
Avoiding phone calls or requests from friends. I’ve got much better at that, and when i feel that happening, i force myself to respond or do what feels uncomfortable.
However the biggest impact and signs for me are at work. I disengage with people. Let important work wait until the last minute. My desk starts to become messy. i avoid tea breaks and lunch with colleagues. I start to eat junk food at lunch when i would prefer something healthy.
But like you, all of these signs are usually too late.
January 9, 2013 at 1:30 pm
Oh that is everything that I feel, though I too recognise them too late. Maybe write a little list of the warning signs and when you spot one you could read through to see if there are anymore. My untidiness is the first thing to spot but don’t see everything else. I hope that you do find a way of dealing with these negatives and turn them into something that you can work on. Big hugs x
January 9, 2013 at 8:56 pm
Hi. I recently failed to recognise the signs and relapsed at the end of last year. I kicked myself for not spotting the signs – I’m a mental health Peer worker, after all! One of the most important ways ofpreventing and managing relapse is to draw up a Wellness Recovery Action Plan (W.R.A.P.) do you know about this? Mary Ellen Copeland is the guru of this. Since I have got back on my feet I have been working on my Plan. If you don’t already know about Mary she is great. Google her and W.R.A.P. It’s a good tool that can help. I’ve got a few days off work now, so I really should crack on and finish mine….
Thanks again for posting…..
January 9, 2013 at 12:34 pm
My biggest thing is not wanting to communicate with people – not just in person, but online, by text, by phone… It’s just too much of an effort to think of words, to follow a conversation, to react and act in the way I’m meant to. I just want to be alone – in fact, most of the time I just want to be unconscious, because even thinking can be too much sometimes…!
And yes, the state of my flat – I live alone, for the first time ever, and I love it, but it also means I can let tasks go undone. So when the sink is piled with dishes, my bed is unmade, the fridge is empty and I’ve run out of loo roll – yep, I’m depressed.
I’m lucky enough to have amazing friends who all say to call when I’m feeling down or when I feel triggered to SI, but unfortunately those are the exact, specific times where I feel unable to communicate or relate to anyone. It’s hard to explain to people, but they do their best to understand. I am very lucky
January 9, 2013 at 1:20 pm
I too live alone and sometimes it is wonderful, though as you pointed out it can be very lonesome.
You are lucky to have your friends look out for you the way they do, I hope that they stuck around to help you for the long term
Big hugs x
January 9, 2013 at 2:02 pm
I don’t know what I would do without my amazing friends! And my old doctor (sadly moved last year and had to get a new one) – I was with her for 8 years, all the way from being an utter mess in my early 20s, through Uni, through my first job, always supporting and encouraging me, never giving up on me (even when I did!). She kept me out of hospital, into work and there’s no way I’d still be here without the help she gave me. You always hear so many negative things about GPs who don’t care, or who don’t know what to do, but she was amazing. So if anyone doesn’t like the way their doctor is treating them, try another one
January 9, 2013 at 2:06 pm
So true, the GP is the gateway to everything.
My GP works with the residents from my place of work (due to location) and I hear so many bad things about him. Though I have had nothing but great support from mine. He recognises that I know what I want and how to go about it, he supports me in all these decisions.
Luckily last year I went to my GP and asked to come off my medication and he told me straight that I was manic and he won’t allow me to. I fell into depression a matter of weeks later.
I do hope that everyone can find a GP that helps them and works with them when they really need the help. Well done on finding yours, and I wish you well in finding another who’s just as good since your move.
Big hugs x
January 9, 2013 at 12:40 pm
My biggest warning sign is loss of appetite. I’m normally a foodie so when I lose interest I find time to ask myself why.
Definitely agree that self-care is just as important when you’re well. I make a conscious effort on a daily basis to remind myself how well I’m doing, how much I’m achieving and that I deserve to be happy. Over time it becomes more of a habit and I have to think about it less. Tell yourself often enough that you’re wonderful & you might just start to believe it.
I think also letting myself cry helps. If something starts to bother me I don’t bury the emotions – I accept them and feel them. The quicker I deal with them the better. Otherwise they begin to fester and it all bubbles up at once.
Above all, I’m kind to myself. I take some time out for at least a few hours every week to watch my favourite TV shows, paint my nails or read a book. Time on my own being kind to me really helps.
January 9, 2013 at 1:24 pm
Self care is an important aspect of mental health and depression, though so many people forget to do it.
I’ve started a memory jar, filling it with all good things. The original idea was to look at it at the end of the year, though I wonder if it would be more beneficial to look at it and remind myself of the good times when I do feel bad.
Crying is a strange thing, you feel you shouldn’t and hold back. Though the emotions and tension that are released after do help so much.
Well done on giving yourself ‘me time’. Keep it up
January 9, 2013 at 2:04 pm
I find that when I’m *really* depressed, I can’t cry. I feel terribly low, worthless, empty and like I want to cry, but nothing comes out. It’s very odd (and can be quite distressing sometimes!!)
January 9, 2013 at 12:51 pm
Spot on. I find when I am at my lowest, my irritability is so high that I lash out at the slightest thing. My family and friends understand, they know when I go in to one I dont mean it, but I do mean it at the time. I struggle to sleep, which doesn’t help, and I cant even focus on doing anything constructive or relaxing whilst I lay awake, because I really cant be bothered. A way that I deal with my low moods and irrational thoughts is quite simple though, I write them in to hip hop songs, record them, and listen to it. Not only is it a sense of achievement, it also lets me listen to my ‘problems’ and take an outsiders viewpoint on it, nine times out of ten I feel a bit better. It has been a long time since I was first diagnosed with depression amongst a couple other things, and yesterday I was discharged from being an outpatient back to the care of my GP, mostly because I have my way of dealing with things. I hope everybody finds that little trick that works for them, everybody deserves to feel happy, just sometimes it’s not that easy.
January 9, 2013 at 1:27 pm
Well done on finding your outlet for your negative emotions. That is very creative and glad it works for you. Have you ever thought about sharing them for others to hear? Or are they personal to you? Big hugs x
January 10, 2013 at 5:18 am
i also really believe in the saying that it is easier to build up a child than repairing an adult. i’ve lived with depression my whole life and it’s no picnic. for a parent dealing with depression it’s important to make sure your kids aren’t affected negatively by it. i was raised in an abusive home my whole life by a mentally unstable mother and for a short time a schizophrenic father. some traumas never go away. i felt it was ok for me to talk about my past to my kids since they are in a stable home with me. not all abused kids grow up to be abusive parents. guess i was smart enough to know how to not treat my kids. i never wanted my kids to go through what i did. it was horrible. i think it made me a better parent. it’s also hard for me to snap out of my funk sometimes because of chronic pain issues but i have to keep going my kids are counting on me.
January 10, 2013 at 3:15 pm
So glad you were able to break that cycle, for the sake of your children.
I too came from an abusive childhood and unfortunately it has worried me about having children of my own. I don’t want to pass on my mental illness to them. I’m still undecided about the nature nurture thing.
Well done for giving them a stable future, and they can also be educated about mental illness at a young age. Which is something that all schools, I believe, should be doing.
Big hugs x
January 10, 2013 at 7:10 am
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