Living with a mood disorder

The Anxious Hugs


Do you think this happens anymore? Just two people going to bed together to hold each other close and sleep.  Nothing more, nothing less, just the cuddles and the sweet dreams.
I so desperately want to go to bed, to sleep and forget about the day’s events.  To be able to dream about things that I so long for and in this alternate reality are mine and mine for the taking.  Where the picture perfect world that I wish I had was there and there was no one that could take it away from me.
One of those dreams where you wake up in the morning and you feel that you could so easily drift off again into this unconscious land to continue with the joy and happiness that has been.
Though to get there you have to go through the pain that is the anxiety and nerves about being in that bed. Every evening I start to get those anxious little butterflies fluttering around my stomach and the beating of my heart as little drummer men try to escape from my chest.  The sweating of my palms as that time to climb the stairs to bed drawers ever close, knowing that I will be going there alone, again.
It eats me up inside that I cannot have someone there just to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright.  Someone to wrap their arms around me so tight that it feels as though they will protect me from everything tiny little thing.  To place that precious little kiss on my forehead to say “I am here”.  While listening to the gently beating of their heart as my head lays on their chest.
I know exactly where my nightly comfort lies, and I know that it will never hurt me.  I have the comfort of my quilt that will wrap itself around me, without the painful cold feet and being kicked in the back. 
Sleeping with someone does not always mean that they want sex, I just want cuddles.

2 thoughts on “The Anxious Hugs

  1. Reblogged this on Small Girl. Big World. and commented:
    I know how Tracey feels. Cuddles are just right.

  2. Maybe I am unusual. A man who craves exactly what Tracey describes. It’s about feeling love, peace and security

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